My cousin, Loni, put this photo up on her facebook page a little while back. It's an old photo of when she and I worked at a local hospital together. This was her baby shower. I'm in the back, in light green. I know, can't really see me. I had forgotten all about this photo until today.
That photo made me think of how often I tend to be "in the back". You know, hidden or at least half so. Never wanting to be noticed. It's a painful place to be.
I had a small melt down the other night. I say small, because it could have been a lot worse. If I had been alone and if Ed had not been here with me, it might have turned out far worse. That entire day, I spent in bed. Sleeping. Maybe that should have been my warning sign that something wasn't right, but I just thought I was tired and needed the extra rest. I didn't get up until 8pm that night.
When I woke up, I felt okay I guess. I had that drowsy feeling you get when you've slept for a long time, the feeling of your body trying to jump start into waking up and your mind saying a couple more hours of sleep wouldn't hurt. It's always a battle for me, lol.
But other than that I felt okay. Not good, but okay.
It wasn't until later, while watching a movie that I really started to panic. The movie was from a book by Jack Ketchum entitled, 'The Girl Next Door'. It's based on a true story of a young girl who is humiliated, tortured, and eventually raped by a family member.
I'm not going to delve into my own past here. Those who have known me longest know my secrets. But this movie brought back all those old feelings. The ones that we hide away and forget about. The ones that we wish would stay buried forever. Up until this point, I thought I had buried mine down pretty deep. It's taken a while, but little by little I've piled on the dirt, and for once I thought they were deep enough in the ground that I'd never have to worry about them again.
But the mind is a funny thing, and it never truly forgets.
I was watching the movie with Ed, and had to excuse myself to the bathroom. It was either that or I was going to throw the remote control through the tv screen. It was one of those irrational moments when we feel like we are totally losing control. But I held in my urge, and instead went into the bathroom and cried.
I don't think Ed had a clue what was happening. How could he? I had been perfectly fine until then. So he sat and continued watching. When I left the bathroom, I didn't want Ed to see that I had been crying so I rushed outside to go have a smoke. Smoking is my stress reducer, for all those who think that smokers are crazy for doing what they do. And yes, maybe we are....a little bit. But its something that I haven't been able to NOT DO yet....working on it.
While outside, I cried some more. And inside I could hear the tv playing and they were torturing the girl. I was so enraged that I thought I might scream. I literally placed both hands over my mouth to hold it in. Then came the vomit. I threw up hot acid because there was no food in my empty stomach. And then I cried some more. And the more I cried, the madder I got. At all the people in the world who thinks that it is okay to hurt children. I was angry at all those who think that children can be used for their little play things. I hated them. But more shockingly, I hated myself. Because I had been a part of it. I was tainted.
I came back inside and snapped at Ed to turn the channel....which he did immediately, thank God. Because if he hadn't, I don't know what I would have done. I walked into the kitchen, trying to get a hold of all the emotions I had running through me. Ed came in and pulled me to him and at that point I just let it all go. I cried until I couldn't.
Maybe this all sounds like an over reaction. Or crazy jibber-jab. Believe me, I was as surprised as anyone to know that I could still feel like this. I thought my past was behind me...but I guess it never really is. It just hides for a while and then sneaks back up on us when we least expect it.
These fears of mine have been with me ever since the events that caused them occured. I find that I'm afraid of men. I'm afraid of closeness. I don't like to be noticed. I tend to hide and stay in the background as much as possible. And truly, I believe its why I've never wanted or had the will to lose weight before. Being overweight makes it easier to go through life unnoticed. No one notices you. No one tries to get close to you. Its like a nice comfy safety blanket.
Last week I jumped on the scale, and I had lost another 5 lbs. And instead of feeling happy, I became anxious. Because it hit me at that moment that I'm losing my safety blanket of fat. And when its gone, what will protect me then? Its a scary thought for me. I know most of you won't understand it.
But enough of that. I needed that, so thanks for letting me get it all out, but its depressing stuff, I know....so I'll leave it alone again for now.
On to the updates...since you've had to read so much already I'll make this part short and sweet!
Ed: his leg is healing, slowly. he is still in pain, but I think he's going to be okay. the redness has gone down tremendously!
Jen: as of today I am down a total of 35 lbs. yay me I guess. the sad part is that I still feel fat. :(
Anyway, thats all for now. Hugs my friends and family. I love you.
To All The Fathers In My Life:
My Step-dad, who for the most part, had a big role in raising me into the person I am today.
L.C. Cook.
My birth father, who I never got to know, but who is missed very much anyway. Michael Frank Wells.
And to the man in my life that has been the best father to his son. I love you Ed!
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And to all the other father's on my list. And to the mom's who have to take the roll of father. Happy Father's Day! I hope you'll have a blessed one.

It was back to the ER yesterday. We made it to the parking lot of my doc's office and I couldn't get out of the car. I was too weak and felt like I would faint again. The hospital is right across the street, so I asked Ed just to go ahead and take me there. He had to use a wheelchair to get me in. We got to the window to sign in, and the lady ignored us. She was talking to a friend who was leaving for the day, and just didn't even seem to care that we were there. So I showed my butt a little and banged loudly on the Plexiglas to get her attention. That worked.
Once inside the ER, it was a repeat of the last time. An IV was started, blood was taken and a urine sample. The blood work came back okay, with the exception that my sodium level was low. My urine had blood in it, but there was no other sign of an infection, so they were left drawing blanks. No one seems to know whats wrong with me. They sent me home again.
While I was in the ER, Ed took paperwork over to my doc's office. The papers had to be filled out and signed by the doc in order for me to get my insulin from the PPARX program. He was told to pick them up this morning. We both went this morning to get them, since I was feeling a little better. And guess what? They had lost them! I wouldn't have been that upset, except this is not the first time. They have lost multiple things from my file. And this was about the 3rd time they've lost these exact papers.
Well, needless to say Ed was ticked. But he waited for them to fill out new papers. They gave him back a single paper and sent him back to the car. Well, first of all, there is suppose to be 2 papers, not 1. Second, they forgot to put the doc's license number and expiration date on the paper they did give us. So Ed had to go back in again to get that fixed. The girl at the window was extremely rude. She didn't want to get off her butt in order to help us. And what eventually topped the cake is that she knew all about my ER visit, and asked Ed if I was still on that "CRAZY" diet that was causing all my problems.
Not only is that a HIPPA violation, but I'm not on a crazy diet. All I'm doing is cutting down on portion size and eating better. But supposedly the ER nurse told another nurse that probably told another nurse about my condition and by the time it got to the doc's office nurses, the information was totally screwed. So basically my doc's office thinks I'm doing this to myself. That its my fault because of the eating plan I'm on.
They won't listen to my theory about it being the combination of meds I'm on. Even though my friend, Katherine (and thank you K) sent me online info about others who have had Strattera effect their blood sugar levels. So I'm done. I'm beyond mad. They've pushed my patience with their unprofessionalism and I'm through with them. On Monday, I'm calling another office to get a new doctor to take my case. I've just had it. Ed's had it. We've ALL had our fill, and its time to move on.
The rant is now over, and on to the good.
Since stopping the strattera, my bs seems to be getting a little better. The diarrhea is officially gone, I hope forever! The vomitting has stopped. I haven't been dizzy today either, and thats ALWAYS good. And I stepped on the scale this morning and I am down 26 lbs. I've lost over 4 inches off my waist. Over 3 1/2 inches off my chest and about 4 inches off my hips. So I'm happy with that atleast....now if only I can get the rest of my life in order. :)
I had Ed take me to the ER last night. I was having shortness of breath, and I felt sick to my stomach. My eyes were blurry, and these are all signs of DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis). A humans body, if under long term effects of high blood sugars, can produce ketons, a type of poison. Ketons, if experienced long term, can lead to DKA....basically a form of shock on the body, and can further lead to coma and even death.
For a few months I've had trouble keeping my blood sugar levels in control. Even with eating better and exercising regularly, it seems to be only getting worse. I can go without eating at all and my blood sugar levels will still rise. I'm using extremely large doses of insulin in order to keep my bs levels in check, and for the most part it was working okay that way. But recently, even with high, high doses of synthetic insulin, my blood sugar levels have been rising out of control.
I inject myself up to 5-10 times a day with insulin. I have a glucometer that checks my sugar levels and I use it so often that the tips of my fingers are bruised and sore from being poked. And still, its not enough.
The good news is that I was not in DKA. If I had not gotten my blood sugar down, I possibly could have been soon...but the ER nurse gave me IV fluids and kept a good check on my levels and after 5-6 hours I was able to go home. They checked for infections to see if I had something going on inside my body that was causing my blood sugars to rise. But they found nothing. They did a chest x-ray, to see if I had fluid on my lungs or another type of lung disorder that would cause me to have high blood sugar readings....and again found nothing.
After everything, they had no reason to keep me and sent me home. By the time I reached home, my bs was back up to nearly 400. Normal is 80-110. Three times last night I woke up to check my blood sugar, and it was high. I took 30 units of insulin after each time I checked my levels, and would go back to sleep only to wake up and see that it was still high. For those who don't know....30 units is a large amount. It should have been enough to bring me back down to normal again in no time, but it didn't.
I'm at my wit's end. I am running out of ideas. The doc's seem to be running out of ideas. I don't know what is going on with me. I don't know what to do about it. I go to see my medical doctor today. I'm going to discuss it with him some more and see what else we can do. I'll try to update everyone tonight on whats going on. I'm sorry for the rant, but I just don't know what to do about this....and it felt good to write about it.
Hope you are all doing well.