Mirror mirror on the wall/Have I got it?/Cuz mirror you've always told me/Who I am/I'm finding it's not easy/To be perfect/So sorry/You won't define me/Sorry you don't own me/Who are you to tell me/That I'm less than what I should be/Who are you?/Who are you?/I don't need to listen/To the list of things I should do/I won't try/No, I won't try/Mirror I am seeing/A new reflection/I'm looking into the eyes/Of Who made me/And to Him I have beauty beyond compare/I know He defines me/Who are you to tell me/That I'm less than what I should be/Who are you?/Who are you?/I don't need to listen/To the list of things I should do/I won't try/No, I won't try/You don't define me/No you don't define me/You don't define me/Who are you to tell me/That I'm less than what I should be/Who are you?/Who are you?....

It's been a long time since I've even checked my page & so much has happened in my life since the beginning of the year, that I feel 20 years older most days. My Gram died on May 18th and it hit me harder than when my dad died. When I was 15, my mom and I moved down to San Diego from Redding so we could be closer to her side of the family and Redding held a lot of bad memories and we just had to get away & start over. I was a little bent because I had to start all over, at a new school, in the middle of my junior year. I didn't know anyone, and all these kids had grown up together & gone to elementary and middle school together. Needless to say, I spent the first month having lunch in a stall in the girls' bathroom. Very reminiscent of Cady's first day of high school & first day of being in public school in "Mean Girls". Anyway, my mom was working & going to school, so I began spending a lot of time with my grandparents, her mom & dad. And they became like parents to me ~ Gram taught me how to make perfect cauliflower, she taught me how to cross-stitch, and she taught me how to be a bold hussy. She & my Grandpa believed in me and loved me through a lot of hard times, Gram vehemently encouraged my creative side & came to every choir performance, every dance recital, every talent show & every play. I know my mom did the best she could, but it was really Gram who taught me how to be a strong independent woman. And it tore my heart apart when she died. I'm still not really over it, but the night after she died, she visited me in a dream and told me she was proud of the woman that I had become. And I royally fucked up most of my life, so for her to say that, and for her to let me know that even in her advanced stage of Dementia she noticed that I allowed God to clean up my life, means more to me than most anything. My mom always said that Gram & I had a bond that Gram never even had with my mom or her sisters, my aunts. And I cherish that bond now and I am a better person for it.

Then on June 6th, my husband's dad passed away. And while Ivan, like myself, did not have the best childhood, he affirms that his parents did the best job that they could and that he had it better than most. His dad was a lively, stubborn, affectionate & opinionated Puerto Rican, and he welcomed me into their family with open arms. Ivan's mom is having a rough time of it, but God is using Ivan to minister to her. She didn't know how she was going to even pay for his dad's cremation or memorial service, and God just came through like He always does and took care of everything!! God is also using this to draw their family closer together and heal past wounds & hurts. Losing a parent still hurts tremendously, though.

So, what really matters is often not what we worry about on a day-to-day basis. And whether you realize it or not, your life may touch someone else's so much, that in years to come, what you've done for them may be the thing that carries them through to another day. So love harder, hug longer & forgive always. Remember what really matters......and it's not all of the bullshit you think is important.